Where do I begin?

Twi-hards, I'm sorry. Like I wrote last week, I had high hopes for New Moon and that the Twilightsequel could possibly convert me from being a tepid viewer to at least a tepid sort-of fan. From the looks of the trailers, New Moon promised more shirtlessness, more action and less constipated staring, and in my book that equals WIN WIN WIN! But while it delivered on the first two, unfortunately, I'm still confounded over why this saga about a 100-plus-year-old vampire and his mopey (and newly suicidal! Edgy!) teenage girlfriend continues its imperialistic reign over the pop culture landscape. In other words, Twi-hards, I still don't get it. But I'm still willing to try.

And while I previously pledged allegiance to Team Jacob, I'm now switching to Team Jasper. As the most clearly unhinged one of the Cullen clan, he posseses the same look of wide-eyed bewilderment I did after leaving the theater.

It would be common understanding that a successful, storied franchise compels the glass-shattering squeals it does if it's centered on a good love story. Therein lies the problem with the ballad of Bella and Edward (and Jacob) - it's not a good love story.

[Warning: SPOILERS BELOW. But you already saw it, right?]

In New Moon, Edward dumps Bella only to catalyze her inner - albeit unconvincing - adrenaline junkie, driving her to instances of near suicide so she can see visions of her lost boy-toy. In typical good-girl-loves-the-bad-boy fashion, she pines away for her sparkly stud while still engaging jailbait werewolf-next-door, Jacob, in some panting near-kisses and semi-cuddles. Basically, she totally leads him on.

There is a Romeo and Juliet-inspired miscommunication about Edward thinking she's dead, prompting him serve to himself up to the Volturi coven in Italy for his own offing. Bella then tries to "save" Edward, offering herself up instead. Edward says no. They escape. There is an almost-showdown between Edward and Jacob (in werewolf form) that touches on some truce between werewolves and vampires, and the whole thing ends in a marriage proposal to Bella from Edward. Take out the supernatural stuff and you have the most dysfunctional, borderline-abusive May-December (remember, Ed is, like, 109 to Bella's tender 18) relationship ever. Oh, and if my quickie summary seems disjointed, welcome to the ENTIRE MOVIE.

The most frustrating part of this whole saga on celluloid is that we see neither why Edward is so desirable, nor how Bella and Edward could share such a deep, chaste love for each other in the first place. Other than saving her lethargic arse a few times, Edward has few redeeming qualities other than just being cute. And, ladies, we all know "cute" only goes so far: it takes more than just a glittery epidermis for you to jump in front of a clan of vamps with crazy eyes and beg to be killed in the name of love luv. Or should, anyway.

At least in New Moon, Jacob is a little more substantive, both literally and figuratively. He spews the occasional dweeby church camp-worthy insult ("What a marshmallow!") but is entirely more interesting than his bloodsucking nemesis, with quasi normal-looking facial expressions and tribal tattoo to boot. Barring the fact that I feel like a total cougar writing this since Taylor Lautner isn't even 18 yet, running around perpetually shirtless in the rain is also kind of hot, if a little weird, even for a werewolf.

The Twilight saga operates on a middle school definition of a love story that promises to delight hardcore fans of the series no matter what. It is virtually critic-proof; indeed, New Moon raked in a staggering $140 million its opening weekend. Fans have praised the script for lifting dialogue directly from the books. These movies are made for the fans who will go see them and embrace them regardless. But as far as winning this would-be fan over, the sequel has only plunged me further into scratching-my-head-and-saying-"What the what?"-territory. Still, I haven't given up yet and wonder if the Eclipse train will shuttle me out? Or in my seemingly never-ending quest to understand the pathology of a Twi-hard, maybe it's finally time to read the books?

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